The Flossy Flossy
Keeping it “on the real” the best I can.Archive for January, 2009
Thoughts
Man, this has just been a retarded week. When the hell is it going to stop? I feel like the only thing that’s moving forward is time–I’m at a standstill. No worse, I’m jogging backwards. I can see everyone else moving further ahead and I’m still trying to run past a tree I’ve been trying to run past since junior high…or one that’s uprooted itself and learned to run, anyway.
I’m going to use my “Entitlement to Bitch” card now. I swear, I haven’t felt this low in self-confidence since I can’t remember how long–sophmore year, maybe. Low enough to admit it. Part of me just wants to say “fuck it” and be reckless, part of me just wants to say “fuck it” and brood, and part of me just wants to go sing Delta Goodrem’s “Woman” on a mountaintop.
If I could sum up how I feel right now in one single word, it’d be: splat. I feel splat. Unfocused and coreless. Nothing feels as good anymore, as if everything I’ve done and worked for has just fizzled down into a measly blahblahfuckyoublah. And I’m trying to make myself feel better in the worst ways. [Brian, if you're reading this: I hate you permanently for getting me involved in a little something called DL. It snowballed like hell.]
I wonder what my horoscope for this week is….It’s probably fucking fantastic. I always get fucking fantastic horoscopes on the shittiest weeks. Did I mention that I used to be a big fan of astrology? Well, I was until I started reading those goddamn horoscopes.
So, I’m making myself a vow: I’m going to be selfish. I’m going to do things for me, things that make me happy, things that make me feel good. I’m going to listen to Keith Urban. I’m going to sing more. Train more. Eat more. Not worry. Be happy. Drink Pepsi. Be sexy.
Yeah, I’ll do that…Shit, I’ve been reading too much Dear American Airlines. I feel like Bennie Ford.
Okay, so I haven’t blogged in a while. With samarbeidsuka and hytteturen this past week and a half, I’ve more or less put blogging on the backburner. So here’s what’s been up:
Samarbeidsuka var kjampekoselig. Jobbet med mange søte barn på Mammas barnehage. Det var en nydelig pause fra skolen—ingenting å bekymre meg over unntatt barna. Bare lekte hele dagene—bygget med Legos, laget snømennesker, osv.—noen ganger mer enn dem, faktisk. Men det var slitsomt óg! Tenkte ikke at jeg kunne være så sliten av leking! Realiserte at jeg er sikkert ikke klar å ha barn enda, haha.
Også på den fredagen hadde vi en svensk vikar på barnehagen. Hadde en ganske interessant samtale om California, Norge, Stockholm, og opplevelsene mine som ”utbytesstudent.” Følte meg helt stolt at jeg kunne forstå henne til tross for tonefallet sitt. (Det var helt annerledes. Så overraska var jeg å kunne prate med henne, siden jeg aldri forstår hva de sier på SVT.)
Blei kjørt til Holmestrand togestasjon rett etter jobb. Tok toget fra Holmestrand til Drammen og der møtet jeg opp med de andre AFS studentenes. Og så tok vi et annet tog fra Drammen til Hønefoss som var helt opptatt—hadde å sitte oss ned på inngangen. Fra Hønefoss togestasjon gikk vi til bussholdingplassen og da tok vi en buss til Smeden, where we were finally picked up.
The weekend up in Hønefoss was amazing. It’s always so nice to see everyone again, to be with people who are in the same situation as you and understand you. Spent quite a lot of time playing and kosing in the snow (which, as I have found out, is actually quite enjoyable and not nearly as cold as it sounds out to be) with Xenia and Jessica, and had some good conversations with Jessica and Doug. It was also great to see Anbjørg again; last time we saw her we couldn’t even understand her, but it’s nice to see how much we’ve all learned in this past half year. Even if everything’s less than perfect or expected, we’ve come quite far.
And it came as a surprise to me, but I even got a little homesick on the second day—for my family here!
But I guess the good times had to come to a stop sometime, and this time it was Monday. So anyway, I had a History & Philosophy presentation on Max Weber’s theory on the relationship between Calvinism and capitalism to do on Monday, right?—something which I spent all of last week and Sunday night working on, and something which I was looking forward to present.
但我新奇一去学校的时，老师并不在。所以我只能坐下来等他。谁知道等着一个半小时！等这一堂课快要结速了，他才近来。到这时候，我已经有点不耐烦，所以告诉他，＂我不知道你今天在那儿，但是我有我的 presentation。知道他回个什么答案吗？＂你应该查网上，我贴了一个 post。＂既然给我态度！
一：你从来都不个网上写东西，突然写这么一次我就应该知道？你把我是读脑人哪！
二：你知道我费了多少的时间和功夫去做这个 project 吗？你从前留过学！你应该比谁都更知道一个留学生的困难！你怎么可以这么不了解哪？
肏他奶奶的！把我气疯了。
And that was actually the first time I’ve cried since I came here. Ironic, isn’t it?: not because I don’t have friends, not because I miss home, but because of a fucking philosophical theory. Typical of me to get worked up about something academic. It seems kinda stupid now to cry about it, but fuck, I was so pissed! I have half a mind not to show up to History & Philosophy for the next two weeks.
But anyway, that kind of wraps it up for the past week and a half. And now I am going to take a lunch break because I’ve been blogging since school started in the morning. (Yeah, take that, school. This is some serious rebelling.)
Hmm, it’s been a somewhat turbulent week–lot of emotional ups and downs. I think generally, December and January have been the most dejecting months thus far. I find myself questioning a lot of things, especially in regards to how I fit into all of this. It’s a strange thought to think of yourself as a piece of…well, I don’t know what–to be plucked suddenly out of your environment and implanted into a new foreign niche. And sometimes, it just feels so unright–a bit too many jagged edges sticking out and empty grooves to be filled. Of course, I knew what I was getting into, but there’s just no way you can really prepare for it.
Or I don’t know, maybe it’s just the weather and lack of sun. I’d like to convince myself to think so. At least now I know why Norwegians travel south so much.
It probably sounds worse than it actually is. In fact, there were plenty of great things that happened this week. On Tuesday Joakim, Marie and I spent the evening at Silje’s (my local AFS contact) playing Risk. Friday, we saw Jan-Erik in concert, Saturday I spent the entire day at Rudi’s house playing ping-pong and chilling, and today I cooked corn chowder for the family and spent some good quality time with Joakim out and about in the snow.
Also, lately I’ve been taking a lot of night walks with Luiza, which I’m really beginning to love. And, I’ve been keeping to my new year’s resolution and am beginning to take to the barbells.
And this coming week, I will be skipping school and working at Mamma’s kindergarten. I think it will be a refreshing break, playing with kids all day. And at the end of this week, there will be an AFS hyttetur in Hønefoss. Hopefully that’ll recharge my batteries.
家庭和 Social 环境
今天是一个不好的天。不知道为什么，但是就感觉呆呆的和没有劲儿！对什么东西都没有兴趣。也想过很多不愉快地事情。
我感觉玛丽亚不太喜欢我。其实，要你问我的话，我也没有 evidence，但是我感觉她觉得我–傻。也可能是我过分装傻冲愣了。但是，啊，我只想跟他交一个好关系，但是我们俩的距离还是那么远。我也最近发现她比较–讽刺，有时候开的玩笑艇伤人的，好像他真的不喜欢我住在这里一样。（你没看她今天晚上给我的眼神儿，够可怕的。）我真的不知道他对我的看法是怎么样子，但是我准备升白旗了–也就这样吧。我还以为我们会做很好的朋友呢，但是现在看来，够呛。我真的挺失望。
我跟老二的关系其实也没有我想象的那么近。虽然我们俩是同岁，我们没有一根铜线儿！我非常喜欢和崇拜他，但我们实在是两个太不一样的人了。我觉得这是很可惜，以为我说真的很想跟他和他的朋友在一起。他们就像在电视上的少年–又快又 cool。但是不管我多么的想跟他们在一块儿，我发现自己不配。他们太疯；我太乖。Y no puedo ser lo que no soy。我，向大家，当然也想享受自己，但是可惜不能跟他们一样。我不喜欢把自己看成一个 marmy 无聊的人（我也其实没有把自己看成那样儿），但是我真的不喜欢他们“庆祝”的方法。我觉得最好的，最愉快的时候还是跟一群儿好朋友在一起享受–不需要设么毒品和（太多的）酒。我觉得那才是真正叫 cool 呢。
New Year’s Resolutions
Okay, so this is about half a month too late, but there’s never a wrong time to get motivated, right? So without further ado, my resolutions for 2009. Let’s see how many of these I actually achieve.
1a. Become fluent in Norwegian.
1b. Continue persuing French.
2. Start working out.
3. Få mer gode venner her i Norge.
4. Spend more time with the family.
5. Get a job!
6. Get a kjæresten!
7. Laugh more.
8a. Learn to play “Evighet” on guitar.
8b. Learn to play “Remember Me” on piano.
Those are my goals for up to July, at least. Once I begin college in the fall, I would also like to:
9a. Learn Italian.
9b. Resume Spanish.
If I think of any other important ones, I’ll be sure to add them here. Men jeg må begynne på de vektene i mellomtiden.
