The Flossy Flossy

Keeping it “on the real” the best I can.

Archive for January 28, 2009

Thoughts

Man, this has just been a retarded week. When the hell is it going to stop? I feel like the only thing that’s moving forward is time–I’m at a standstill. No worse, I’m jogging backwards. I can see everyone else moving further ahead and I’m still trying to run past a tree I’ve been trying to run past since junior high…or one that’s uprooted itself and learned to run, anyway.

I’m going to use my “Entitlement to Bitch” card now. I swear, I haven’t felt this low in self-confidence since I can’t remember how long–sophmore year, maybe. Low enough to admit it. Part of me just wants to say “fuck it” and be reckless, part of me just wants to say “fuck it” and brood, and part of me just wants to go sing Delta Goodrem’s “Woman” on a mountaintop.

If I could sum up how I feel right now in one single word, it’d be: splat. I feel splat. Unfocused and coreless. Nothing feels as good anymore, as if everything I’ve done and worked for has just fizzled down into a measly blahblahfuckyoublah. And I’m trying to make myself feel better in the worst ways. [Brian, if you're reading this: I hate you permanently for getting me involved in a little something called DL. It snowballed like hell.]

I wonder what my horoscope for this week is….It’s probably fucking fantastic. I always get fucking fantastic horoscopes on the shittiest weeks. Did I mention that I used to be a big fan of astrology? Well, I was until I started reading those goddamn horoscopes.

So, I’m making myself a vow: I’m going to be selfish. I’m going to do things for me, things that make me happy, things that make me feel good. I’m going to listen to Keith Urban. I’m going to sing more. Train more. Eat more. Not worry. Be happy. Drink Pepsi. Be sexy.
Yeah, I’ll do that…Shit, I’ve been reading too much Dear American Airlines. I feel like Bennie Ford.

Okay, so I haven’t blogged in a while. With samarbeidsuka and hytteturen this past week and a half, I’ve more or less put blogging on the backburner. So here’s what’s been up:

Samarbeidsuka var kjampekoselig. Jobbet med mange søte barn på Mammas barnehage. Det var en nydelig pause fra skolen—ingenting å bekymre meg over unntatt barna. Bare lekte hele dagene—bygget med Legos, laget snømennesker, osv.—noen ganger mer enn dem, faktisk. Men det var slitsomt óg! Tenkte ikke at jeg kunne være så sliten av leking! Realiserte at jeg er sikkert ikke klar å ha barn enda, haha.
Også på den fredagen hadde vi en svensk vikar på barnehagen. Hadde en ganske interessant samtale om California, Norge, Stockholm, og opplevelsene mine som ”utbytesstudent.” Følte meg helt stolt at jeg kunne forstå henne til tross for tonefallet sitt. (Det var helt annerledes. Så overraska var jeg å kunne prate med henne, siden jeg aldri forstår hva de sier på SVT.)
Blei kjørt til Holmestrand togestasjon rett etter jobb. Tok toget fra Holmestrand til Drammen og der møtet jeg opp med de andre AFS studentenes. Og så tok vi et annet tog fra Drammen til Hønefoss som var helt opptatt—hadde å sitte oss ned på inngangen. Fra Hønefoss togestasjon gikk vi til bussholdingplassen og da tok vi en buss til Smeden, where we were finally picked up.

The weekend up in Hønefoss was amazing. It’s always so nice to see everyone again, to be with people who are in the same situation as you and understand you. Spent quite a lot of time playing and kosing in the snow (which, as I have found out, is actually quite enjoyable and not nearly as cold as it sounds out to be) with Xenia and Jessica, and had some good conversations with Jessica and Doug. It was also great to see Anbjørg again; last time we saw her we couldn’t even understand her, but it’s nice to see how much we’ve all learned in this past half year. Even if everything’s less than perfect or expected, we’ve come quite far.
And it came as a surprise to me, but I even got a little homesick on the second day—for my family here!

But I guess the good times had to come to a stop sometime, and this time it was Monday. So anyway, I had a History & Philosophy presentation on Max Weber’s theory on the relationship between Calvinism and capitalism to do on Monday, right?—something which I spent all of last week and Sunday night working on, and something which I was looking forward to present.

但我新奇一去学校的时,老师并不在。所以我只能坐下来等他。谁知道等着一个半小时!等这一堂课快要结速了,他才近来。到这时候,我已经有点不耐烦,所以告诉他,"我不知道你今天在那儿,但是我有我的 presentation。知道他回个什么答案吗?"你应该查网上,我贴了一个 post。"既然给我态度!
一:你从来都不个网上写东西,突然写这么一次我就应该知道?你把我是读脑人哪!
二:你知道我费了多少的时间和功夫去做这个 project 吗?你从前留过学!你应该比谁都更知道一个留学生的困难!你怎么可以这么不了解哪?
肏他奶奶的!把我气疯了。

And that was actually the first time I’ve cried since I came here. Ironic, isn’t it?: not because I don’t have friends, not because I miss home, but because of a fucking philosophical theory. Typical of me to get worked up about something academic. It seems kinda stupid now to cry about it, but fuck, I was so pissed! I have half a mind not to show up to History & Philosophy for the next two weeks.

But anyway, that kind of wraps it up for the past week and a half. And now I am going to take a lunch break because I’ve been blogging since school started in the morning. (Yeah, take that, school. This is some serious rebelling.)