Embrace the reality or wither away in sentimentality…

I feel stupid and naïve. This has happened one too many times before, and I’m in the exact position that I warned myself against. Thank you, Tim Papp, for teaching me nothing.

I guess perhaps I was hungry for it, hungry for that feeling of being enamoured in somebody. There’s a warmth in that which can’t be subsituted by the love of friendship or kin. And oh, it made me feel so alive: mornings where you wake up and look forward to a new day and eagerly hop into the shower instead of abusing the snooze; afternoons biking home to vos chansons préférées and thinking that everything is as beautiful and blue as the boundless sky above; emberous nights in the coziness of your room, free to relinquish reality and live an hour or two in fantasy. C’est le poison le plus doux.

J’étais Icarus et il était le soleil, et j’ai fondu si facilement sous ses rayons.

How foolish was I to believe that something concrete could come out of something so brittle? How ignorant was I to think that the only thing of importance was the way we felt? How ridiculously dumb was I to assume that it was we who felt anything? And how irresponsible was I to be so willing to love?

I’m in this pithole because I brought it upon myself. Like a proper masochist, I allowed myself to be tethered by you. Even now, I don’t know what would be better: to not have you cross my mind at all, or to continue in this suffering just to feel your presence in my life.

至于感觉这样吗？