The Flossy Flossy
Keeping it “on the real” the best I can.Archive for July, 2009
Doldrums
Frustration.
Unable to cope.
Flaky.
Powerless.
Helpless.
Stuck.
Caged.
Am I regressing?
Am I the only one walking around in this frozen world?
Maybe I wasn’t meant for America.
Maybe America wasn’t meant for me.
Or here, at least.
In a country where nobody has any time, and everyone’s got their own agenda, life sure seems to be at a standstill.
But like a good saying says: only bored people get bored.
So I want to have an adventure.
I want to feel my heart thump inside its cage.
I want to jump, and run, and walk the distance.
And look good while doing it.
And I want to fall in love.
No, really, fall in love the right way.
And take that midnight ferry to Fukuoka.
No more crap, no more discretion, no more NSA.
I want to live life seriously.
Du, Min Elskede
Noen ganger på midten av natta sitter jeg her og tenker at jeg er fremdeles forelska i deg. Du har en krav over meg som jeg ikke kan forstå. Ingen–ingen–kunne gjøre meg til å føle som du gjør: både ekstatisk og ulykkelig.
Jeg føler meg flau–Å tenke slik, å tenke så mye om deg når du ikke bryr om meg i det hele tatt. For hvis jeg hadde krysset hodet ditt ville du ha vært ærlig med meg. Hvis du hadde tenkt på meg, hvis bare litt, hvis du hadde vurdert følelsene mine da ville du ikke ha løyet. Du ville ha fortalt meg sannheten og du ville ha skadet meg for å beskytte meg.
Jeg vil høre no annent enn din stillhet! Si til meg alle dine stygge ord, i det minste skal de fyller opp dette romet med no rørende: jeg vil hate deg, jeg vil glemme deg og kaste deg ut av mitt liv. Men med den måten du forlatt meg skal jeg aldri være sikker, og jeg klarer ikke å finne det inni meg til å føle no annent enn blindt forelska, håpløs, og såra. Jeg klarer ikke å gjøre no annent enn å vente på deg å komme rundt og tilgi deg. Lille dumme meg.
Bah Humbug, alt handler om penger…
It’s been exactly a week since I came back, and wow, this year abroad has really opened up my eyes, and in a way–made me really critical about this place and its culture. While it’s good to be back and see old faces again, I can’t really say that it’s good to be home, because it doesn’t feel that way. (Not that I have any idea where home is whatsoever. Nineteen years spread across three continents: home doesn’t feel like a relevant term anymore.)
I miss Norway immensely: Sure, there were grim, ensom times, but there was always something to do, it seemed. I could take my bike out and cycle around town, or take the bus to Tønsberg–finding things to do was never a problem. But now I am sitting at “home” finishing off my hunk of Jarlsberg cheese, trying to be content with my life here in Union City in this doldrummy, disconnected interim. While everyone’s taking summer courses. What is up with that?
Anyway, here’s a thought I’ve been entertaining myself with i det siste: If I had a lot of money, I wouldn’t work (duh). I don’t even think I’d go with my old dream and make a record anymore. (That’s a lie. I’d still make a record.) I think I’d just use that money to travel and wander the world. That’s what I’m really feeling right now: an insurmountable feeling of wanderlust. And the shining star on top of the Christmas tree: a month backpacking across Iceland. And I just found out today Icelandair opened up a new route directly from Seattle to Reykjavik. Ohhh…
But with me not having money, and needing money, that would be a problem. In fact, I’ve been so opptatt by these fanciful images of me frolicking across the Icelandic landscape that I’ve totally been disregarding the fact that I am fucking blakk! So it doesn’t look like Iceland will be materializing itself this year. I really need to be focusing on the more important stuff, like trying to get a job in Switzerland (impossible? Well let a fool have his hopes) and applying for a summer position up in Nordkapp. The thing that’s most bothersom is that I have no working experience, which makes me think back: what the hell have I done in the years that I was in high school besides…school? Slik ting…gah!
It’s almost been a week here again in California, and I have been busy busy busy. Between friends, family, and a late-night Wednesday rendezvous, I’ve barely had any time to myself.
Trip home was exhausting. I’ve managed to pick up a nasty cough and I am scared that I might have pneumonia. I hate air conditioning. It’s terrible and unnatural. I also hate that I can’t drink water from the tap anymore, and the fact that not even Trader Joe’s has leverpostei, but that’s a different matter.
Which reminds me, I’ve tried bringing the smørbrød habit here, but it just isn’t the same. And Mom: Oh my god I never realized it but she bickers/nags/complains so much. (I know I’m bickering/nagging/complaining a lot right now but I have culture shock as an excuse. She can’t use menopause card yet.) And I really think she has OCD: she thinks she’s doing such a good job cleaning and throwing away paper and ends up throwing away a plane ticket request form from my college. And just today, she took my pants without me knowing and washed it, with my passport still in it, and then came up to my room to bitch about it at 7 am. And no, I do not want to put my glasses in their case, it’s not a crime to leave them out! Crap, was it this hard to put up with her before? Or did I just have a lot of freedom in Norway?
Now that I’ve got all that out of my system, here’s my log of this past week:
Tuesday: Trip to Stanford with Mom and family friend; Ou came over at night but I was drained
Wednesday: Day with Carina–lunch @ Panera, shopping @ Valleyfair and buying a $40 shirt from American Eagle (culture shock = price disorientation), dinner @ Koi Sushi Boat together with Michael, trying to find the Secret Sidewalk and singing in the car
Thursday: Day with Kyle in San Francisco–Samurai culture 101, Stoning 101, getting panini from Svetlana, getting pizza with potatoes, falling asleep at Golden Gate Park (amazing)
And today I will be meeting Katherine. And tomorrow I might or might not be going to Emeryville for a FC student picnic. Busy!
Si “Hei” til Kyle,
Kyle, my probable roommate for next year. I met him today. We drove out to his part of town, climbed a rock, and got fjærn in a cave. Of course, I hacked my lungs out and threw up, and later we hit In & Out in Oakland and some donut shop in Berkeley which had amazing delicious greasy somethings. God, I’m glad I’m usually pretty smart.
I think I’m going to like this next year immensely. Yay.
