I don’t know why it always ends this way. I have so much trouble keeping people in my life. All it takes is one mishap and I lose that connection with them. It’s so simple. 

I know I used to call Americans flaky and superficial in the way they make friends, but I’m not really any different anymore. Sometimes I think I’m much worse, much more blatant and manipulative.

I’m defensive, stubborn, and have my head too high, I know. I hate it, and I don’t know if it’s something I can ever change, so I try to watch myself. But watching doesn’t change a damn thing if you don’t act.

I get worn out easily by people; there are disappointingly few that I can hang out with for more than 48 hours in a row. I suppose that’s why I never had a fixed group in high school, or here for that matter. I get tired of hearing about the same things from the same people. It’s repetitive. (Which I guess would be pretty ironic because I would make an educated guess that that’s what most people think about me.)

I think I treat most of my friendships as checkpoints rather than something that is constantly fluctuating. In the end, I inevitably push them away because I can’t understand how to handle the dynamic of how it shifts and changes, or it becomes too much too fast and I end up recoiling. And don’t me started on the denials. I played Peter; I would know.

Just working my brain out. It’s been a tiring day alone amidst the people. And I miss my family, which is the most probable explanation for this downpour of crappy sentiment.

Tomorrow will be a better day.