School, Life, and…Tibet

I’m into the second week of my fourth semester of college, and it’s going great! I’ve been more productive than I’ve ever been, and I think it’s because of my schedule this semester. I have classes at 8:30 AM every morning; it sounds bad, but it does me a lot of good for several reasons. First, it forces me to keep a steady schedule, so I have some sort of pattern, which makes falling asleep and getting up easier than it used to. In addition, the walk up from the train station–where I live–to campus gives me an appetite, so I always eat breakfast everyday. And what a difference it makes!

I’ve also been going to the gym on all the days when I promised myself I would: I’m sticking to the workout split I made for myself, and that makes me feel great.

In terms of classes, I’m taking more courses which count towards my major: Management Science, Financial Accounting, and Global Information Systems (which is very theoretical to the point where I’m not even sure what we’re talking about…I just call it my “IT class”). I’m also taking a course in Public Speaking, which I think will be good for me. And finally, I’m taking German! Now, German has got to be the hardest foreign language I have ever learned; and I have learned my fair share of foreign languages! Perhaps it’s because I never had a good foundation, but the cases are easy to mix up…and the articles are much harder to remember, because unlike Italian, you can’t guess the gender by the way the word sounds.

Last weekend I was up in Thurgau, and I’m going back there again this week. I really enjoy this balance of being with my friends on the weekdays, and being with my love on the weekend, and I think that’s what makes this semester really great so far: my life is more balanced now than it has ever been! I exercise, I wake up early, I do my work, I travel, I spend time with my friends…life is great right now!

（可惜，就是没有太多时间跟妈妈说话。这是我唯一的遗憾！）

Before I sign off and go to sleep–I’m a bit behind schedule today–I wanted to write about something that happened on the train from Zürich to Arth-Goldau. There was a boy that got on the train and sat next to me. He looked Asian, so I asked where he was from. “Tibet,” he said, and then he asked where I was from. I told him I was from the US, but was born in China. And then he went on to talk about Sino-Tibetan relations and problems. I admit, I like to shy away from controversy, especially when it’s something close to the heart. I like to keep my mouth shut on the Tibet-China/Taiwan-China political potholes. Sure, I have an opinion, but I feel far too uneducated to speak up about it. In any case, I know I’m not responsible for the actions of “my” government, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty this time–every time–somebody brings these issues up.
There was something that he said that really stirred me. He said, “I would’ve been happy to have stayed in Tibet.” And it makes me wonder–what could this kid have done that was so bad that he got kicked out of his home? Protesting? Throwing tomatoes? What? Did he really deserve his punishment? I kept listening. He told me that he first fled to Nepal, then to India before coming here to Switzerland. And right now he lives in a refugee camp in Schwyz. It was quite remarkable to hear…but damn it…it still hurts to think that the only place he really wanted to be in was Tibet.

Well, I hope this entry didn’t read like a Wikipedia page written in Simple English; it’s just that I can’t find the time to find the right expressions and better articulate myself.

Ensom Kveld

Nu sitter jeg her i min nye leilighet aleine og kjenner meg litt syk. (Jeg har hent hva som helst René hadde i flere dager.) Men i kveld finnes ingen her å trøste og ta vare på meg. Etter en koselig helg sammen måtte kjæresten dra tilbake i dag. Det var trist–jeg har vanet meg til å ha ham i mitt hverdagsliv. Det blir skikkelig annerledes å ikke se hans smiler, å holde ham i armene mine, å kysse “velkommen hjem,” å spise sammen og se på TV sammen lenger. Jeg har gledet meg så mye til å flytte tilbake til Lugano, men nu at jeg er her og han–ikke, jeg vil heller være opp hos han. Men jeg antar at det er en naturlig følelse…

Vi har gjort ganske mye denne hælga. På fredag tok vi toget hit og jeg hentet opp mine nøkkler til Alba. Etter på dro vi til IKEA for å få noe “nødvendigheter”: dyne, puter, osv. På kvelden kjørte vi opp til Monte Brè etter å ha spisi på Giardino. (Vi hadde reservert en bil til hele hælga ved Mobility.) Det var ingen der oppe på fjellet, og atmosfæren var veldig romantisk dog samtidig litt skummelt.

Lördag tok vi en kjøretur til Italia, hvor vi besøkte en Armani Outlet no sted mellom Como og Milano. Jeg kjøpte meg en business-formal skjorte. René kjøpte seg en ny wardrobe–nesten €2000 i skjorter og drakter. Han var klart fornøyd og var glad resten av dagen. Da dro vi hjem–René tok en lur mens jeg besøkte no gamle venner. På kvelden laget vi pizza og så på Black Swan: herregud, for en film!

Og i dag: etter Renés avgang gikk jeg opp til Panera for å besøke mine gode venninner. Koste meg–det var hyggelig å se at ting ikke har forandra seg for mye.

Nu går jeg til sengs. Forhåpentligvis blir jeg friskere i morra…ellers!

One Good Thing About Long-Distance Relationships Is:

Love letters. I used to think, “What’s the point of writing actual letters when you can just call them or send them an e-mail?” The answer is that the feeling is simply not the same. Writing a letter by hand is much more intimate than writing it by email.

René’s letter from India arrived in the mail when I came back from Switzerland today, smelling like Armani; a chunk of it has been torn off somewhere during the mail handling process, but luckily all the text is still there. (I got a nice apology sticker, “Vi beklager at emballasjen er blitt skadet under postbehandlingen. Skaden er utbedret.)

Aside from that, I think a long-distance relationship is terrible. I honestly considered not using my return ticket and just staying there. The day before I left (yesterday) felt downright somber–I think we were both a bit under the weather, knowing that we, on the contrary of what he likes to say, did not have all the time in the world.

On Saturday, we made a day-trip to Lugano, and I got the chance to see Pauli and Emma, and see their new shack up in P14. It looks a lot cleaner and girlier now without me living in it. But we didn’t stay there long; Lugano was alive for the Autumn Festival. We headed to La Bottega for some chocolat chaud first, and then made our way downtown. There, we tried some food, including lamb shish-kebabs and St. Gallen bratwurst, and walked around the city, just the four of us: Pauli, Emma, René and me. (And to think, I didn’t know any of them just a little over a year ago. Life has taken me far away from Fremont, California.) It was a very special day.

I really miss my life in Lugano. I miss my friends, these people who I’ve become so close to within the past year. I miss my school, where the professors know my name and take us out to brunch. I miss the environment, I miss San Salvatore, I miss il lago. I miss the weather; and now that I have René, coming to Norway for the second time seems more and more of a mistake.

To be honest I feel quite sick here. I wanted to come here to perfect my Norwegian, to meet some nordmenn, to enjoy the city life and to right everything I’ve done wrong on my exchange. But I haven’t done any of that, and I feel stuck again–in that same awkward hole. I have neither the energy nor the will to try in this place anymore. Going on exchange with AFS was the best decision I could’ve made for myself, but it took something from me. I had high hopes of making good Norwegian friends during my year, and I failed. They tell you to try and keep trying, that the people are reserved…they falsely reassure you by saying, “Du kommer til å få venner.” Det var vanskelig å ikke innrømme til de nye studenter på leiren at “Nej…det kan hende at du ikke kommer til å få venner.”
I have changed the city, but the people remain the same. And I realize now that I don’t even care to know them anymore. I look around and I see the same girl, the same guy, the same conversations, the same prettiness, the same coolness, the same little venngjenger.

Of course I’m mad! Of course I’m defensive! But am I unreasonable? I’ve lived here a year and nobody opened up to me…if they don’t care, why should I give a damn about them? I’ve given enough, I’ve tried hard. I make initiatives to smile, to talk to people, but I can’t do it all the time if I don’t get shit back. So many nights I wondered if there was something wrong with me…but there wasn’t! The people are so unbelievable…so exclusive. But it’s okay, I’m done. It took me a year and then some of living here to realize that…what–I never want to live in this place! I’m fed up with Oslo. I want to be someplace warm, where the people might be a little dirtier, a little poorer, even a little uglier, but friendlier. And come December I’m done! I’m gone! I’m not coming back to Norway for a long time. As beautiful as it is. As much as I still love my beloved family (without whom I would’ve surely died of misery) and our cozy little house up on Apenesbakken. But I’ve had enough of this love-hate relationship for a while. I’ve had enough of the people, this cold, this bureaucracy, this tonefall, this attitude, this beer-obsessed drinking-culture, just everything Norwegian for a while. I want to be in a place where I feel good.

In continuing the trend of reflective, dejecting posts, let me introduce my college woes.

I will be going to Franklin College Switzerland in the fall. I applied in 2007, deferred because of my exchange to Norway, and will be attending in fall, 2009. That’s all fine and dandy, except I haven’t received any information on scholarships and financial aid yet. I had $11,000 toward my tuition when I was accepted, but I have no idea if that money is still being held for me because of my deferral. So yeah, I’m worried. But that’s only half of it.

Going to college, it’s a big step. And the one thing that worries me is: did I make the right choice? I mean, it sounds good on paper: the good traveling opportunities, getting a dual diploma, an international environment–but is it really so; how is it beyond pen and ink? I think it’s a big committment to make actually, choosing a college. I mean, after all, you’re choosing your home for the next two to four years. And what if I don’t like it? What then? Transfer? Where? Would it even be possible?

I remember thinking the same things last year…I thought I was over it, but I guess worrying about college sort of resurfaced all the little issues I’ve had in going with my decision.

There’s so much more to it–the reputation, the unconventionalness, the doubts and the after-college fears–but I feel I’ll only end up fatiguing myself if I tried to explain every little detail. The only important thing to worry about, i hvertfall, is getting that award money.

Anyway, back to life: I’m sick again. I’ve actually gotten sick quite a few times this year, it sucks. I guess going on exchange takes a toll on your immune system.
Just this past weekend we had our mid-year AFS camp: it’s hard to believe that we’ve been here six months already. We’re more than half-way ferdig. It was a very different tone from the previous week’s hyttetur–there was a lot more reflection, seriousness, and…comfort. I guess lately, I’ve been tending to look at only the bad things rather than the good things. I also remember something important that Cecilie said: “You can’t compare experiences. Don’t think ‘If I had lived in this town, or had these friends, that everything would be better.‘” I think I need to stop thinking about what others have in their lives here in Norway and just focus on making the best out of my own. And I think that extends to so much more than just exchange–I don’t know how many times in the past I thought my life would be better if I looked differently, lived somewhere else, had different friends, or had a complete family. The problem is learning how to stop thinking this way. I wonder if this is how smokers feel…
Anyway, Cecilie also said something else that struck me: we only have five months left. And these five months go fast. If there is something you’ve been thinking of doing, don’t wait: do it.

My mindset right now is definitely different than it was when I first came here, no doubt about that. Living here for half a year has shown me the whats and what-nots of Horten. And while I can’t make a second first-impression, I am determined to make this second half the best yet. “Jeg skal leve fullt og helt hver dag.”